********************************************************************* ** ** ** _ H E A T H E R S _ ** ** ** ********************************************************************* HEATHER CHANDLER, HEATHER MACNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE are playing croquet at VERONICA SAWYER'S house. Heather D. is reading "Moby Dick", which she always has with her. Heather M. misses shot. HEATHER M. Damn. It's your turn Heather. HEATHER C. No Heather, it's Heather's turn. Heather - HEATHER D. Sorry Heather. Heather D. takes her shot. Heather C. kisses red ball, which hits Veronica, buried up to her neck, on her head. VERONICA (V.O.) Dear Diary. Outside Cafeteria Heather told me she teaches people life. She said, "Real life sucks losers dry. If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly." I said, "So you teach people how to spread their wings and fly?" She said, "Yes." I said, "You're beautiful!" HEATHER M. God, come on Veronica. VERONICA What is your damage, Heather? HEATHER M. Don't blame me, blame Heather. She told me to haul your ass into the caf, pronto. Back me up, Heather. HEATHER D. Yeah, she really wants to talk to you. VERONICA Okay, I'm going. Jesus Christ. In Cafeteria Hello Heather. HEATHER C. Veronica, finally. I've got a note of Kurt Kelly's. I need you to forge a hot and horny, yet realistically low-key note in Kurt's handwriting and slip it onto Martha Dumptruck's lunch tray. VERONICA Shit Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunstock. HEATHER C. You don't have anything for her either. Come on, it'll be very. The note'll give her shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks. VERONICA I'll think about it. HEATHER C. Don't think. (Glances at MARTHA DUNSTOCK) Veronica needs something to write on - Heather, bend over. (Dictates) Dear Martha, you're so sweet... Other side of the caf two jocks, KURT and RAM are talking. KURT I'm telling you man, it would be so righteous to be in a Veronica Sawyer Heather Chandler sandwich. RAM Oh, hell yes. I wanna get a Heather, and put her on my johnson, and just start spinnin' her around like a goddamn pinwheel... Punch it in! Heather M. places forged note on Martha's lunch tray. From a table in the caf PETER DAWSON is talking. PETER Westerburg feeds the world. Come on people, let's give that left-over lunch money to people who don't have lunches. Those tater-tots you throw away... HEATHER M. God, aren't they fed yet? PETER Come on, let's go. HEATHER M. Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa? VERONICA Oh sure, pilgrims, Indians, tater-tots - it's a real party continent. HEATHER C. Sawyer, guess what today is. VERONICA Ouch. Lunchtime poll? HEATHER M. So what's the question? HEATHER D. Yeah, so what's the question? HEATHER C. Goddamn Heather. You were with me in study hall when I thought of it. HEATHER D. I forgot. HEATHER C. Such a pillowcase. VERONICA This wouldn't be that bizarro thing you were babbling about over the phone last night, would it? HEATHER C. Of course it is. I told Dennis if he gives me another political topic, I'd spew burrito chunks. Veronica, staring at JASON DEAN, walks straight into BETTY FINN BETTY Oh Veronica, I'm sorry. VERONICA Betty Finn, gosh. Hey, I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday party last month. BETTY It's okay. Your mom said you had a big date. Think I'd probably miss my own birthday for a date. VERONICA Don't say that. BETTY I was looking around the other day and I dug up.. these old photographs. VERONICA (Laughs) Ohh, they're great. HEATHER C. (Grabbing Veronica by the sleeve) Come on, Veronica. VERONICA I was talking to somebody. Another table in the caf with COUNTRY CLUB KEITH and COUNTRY CLUB COURTNEY. COURTNEY Great, it's Heather. KEITH Oh, shit. HEATHER C. Hi, Courtney. Love your cardigan. COURTNEY Thanks. I just got it last night at Limited. Like totally blew my allowance. HEATHER C. Check this out. You win five million dollars from the Publisher's Sweepstakes, and the same day that that big Ed guy gives you the cheque, aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow up the world in two days. What do you do? KEITH That's easy. I'd just slide that wad over to my father, cos he is like one of the top brokers in the State. COURNEY If I got that money, I'd give it all to the homeless. Every cent. VERONICA You're beautiful. Heather C. and Veronica walk away. HEATHER C. If you're going to openly be a bitch - VERONICA It's just, Heather, why can't we talk to different kinds of people? HEATHER C. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa? If I did, I probably wouldn't mind talking to the geek squad. A GEEK spits milk. GEEK Did you see that? Heather #1 just looked right at me! VERONICA Does it not bother you that everybody in this school thinks that you're a piranha? HEATHER C. Like I give a shit. They all want me as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshipped at Westerburg, and I'm only a junior. Martha looks at Kurt. I can't believe this. We're going to a party at Remington University tonight, and we're brushing up on our conversational skills with the scum of the school. Veronica and Heather C. approach table of geeks. VERONICA Hi. GEEKS (in unison) Hi. HEATHER C. So this is what's called a lunchtime poll. At the Feed the World table. You win five million dollars in the Publisher's Sweepstakes.. To Kurt and Ram. ..and the same day that what's-his-face gives you the cheque.. In parking lot. ..aliens land on earth, and.. A table in the caf. ..say they're gonna blow up the world in two days. In corridor. What are you gonna do with the money? GEEK I'd go to Egypt. With a girl. BETTY I'd use the money for an end-of-the- world get-together. RAM I'd pay Madonna a million bucks to sit on my face and have her ride like the Kentucky derby.. HEAVY METALLER 1 That's gotta be the most spooky-assed question I ever heard. PETER Alright, this is important. Tax is only the beginning.. RAM ..she should pay me, though. HEAVY METALLER 2 You go to the zoo and get a lion, then you put a remote-control bomb up its butt.. PETER ..social security, legal fees.. HEAVY METALLER 2 ..you push the button on the bomb, and you and the lion die like one. FEMALE STONER Whaat? In the caf. HEATHER M. Oh my God. Here we go. Martha takes note to Keith, whose entire table bursts out laughing Veronica goes to the Feed the World table. PETER Hi, Veronica. Five keeps the neighbourhood alive. HEATHER C. (Dragging Veronica away) You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school. If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing. Come on Veronica, you used to have a sense of humour. In the bathroom. HEATHER D. Veronica, can you come back here a minute? VERONICA (Flexing index finger) True friend's work is never done. HEATHER C. Gross. Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87. VERONICA You know, maybe you should see a doctor. HEATHER D. Yeah, maybe. HEATHER C. Come on, Heather, let's take another look at today's lunch. Back in caf. Veronica stares at Jason. HEATHER M. God, Veronica, drool much? His name's Jason Dean. He's in my American History. VERONICA (Approaches JD) Hello Jason Dean. JD Greetings and salutations. Are you a Heather? VERONICA No, I'm a Veronica .. Sawyer. This may seem like a really stupid question. JD There are no stupid questions. VERONICA You inherit five million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're gonna blow it up in two days. What do you do? JD That's the stupidest question I've ever heard. At Kurt and Ram's table. RAM Who does that guy in the coat think he is, anyways, Bo Diddley? KURT Veronica's into his act, no doubt. At JD's table. JD Ahh, I don't know. Probably row out to the middle of a lake somewhere, bring along a bottle of Tequila, my sax and.. some bac'. VERONICA How very. HEATHER C. Come on, Veronica. VERONICA (To JD) Later. JD Definitely. Back to Kurt and Ram's table. RAM Let's kick his ass! KURT Shit Ram. We're seniors man. We're too old for that kinda crap. Let's give him a good scare, though. RAM (Sticks hand in JD's meal) You gonna eat this? KURT What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio? RAM Answer him, dick. KURT Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a "no fags allowed" rule? JD Well they.. seem to have an open-door policy for assholes, though, don't they? KURT What'd you say, dickhead? JD (Stands) Ahh.. I'll repeat myself. (Pulls out gun and shoots them both) Veronica and the three Heathers are playing croquet at Veronica's house. HEATHER M. They won't expel him. They'll just suspend him for a week or something. HEATHER C. He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail. VERONICA No way, he used blanks. All JD really did was ruin two pairs of pants. Maybe not even that. Can you bleach out urine stains? HEATHER C. You seem pretty amused. I thought you had given up on high school guys. VERONICA Never say never. HEATHER D. So what're you going to do, Heather, take the two shots or send me out? HEATHER C. Did you have a brain tumour for breakfast? First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I'm always red. (Knocks Heather D.'s ball out) HEATHER D. Oh, shit. HEATHER C. It's your turn Heather. Heather D. walks to ball) Easy shot Heather. HEATHER M. No way, no day. VERONICA Give it up, girl. Heather D. bounces ball off statue and tree, through hoop. Together: VERONICA Holy shit. HEATHER M. God, that was incredible. HEATHER D. Wooh! HEATHER M. So, tonight's the night. Are you two excited? HEATHER C. I'm giving Veronica her shot, her first Remington party. You blow it tonight girl, and it's "keggers with kids" all next year. Heather C. attacks Heather D's ball again. HEATHER D. Why? HEATHER C. Why not? VERONICA'S MOM comes out with a tray of food. VERONICA'S MOM Heather, your mother's here. HEATHER M. Come on, whoever wants a ride. HEATHERS (in unison) Bye. VERONICA'S DAD Hey, take a break Veronica. Sit down. So, what was the first week of spring vacation withdrawal like? VERONICA I d'know. It was okay I guess. VERONICA'S MUM Hey kid, isn't the prom coming up? VERONICA I guess. VERONICA'S MUM Any contestants worth mentioning? VERONICA Maybe.. there's kind of a dark horse in the running. VERONICA'S DAD Goddamn will somebody tell me why I read these spy novels? VERONICA 'Cos you're an idiot. VERONICA'S DAD Oh yeah, that's it. VERONICA'S MUM You two. VERONICA Great pate, but I gotta motor if I want to be ready for that party tonight. Outside the Snappy Snack Shack that night. Heather C. is waiting in the car parked in the handicapped spot while Veronica is inside getting the food. HEATHER C. (Calling from the car) Corn nuts! VERONICA BQ or plain? HEATHER C. BQ! Inside Snappy Snack Shack. Veronica grabs packet of corn nuts. JD Are you gonna pull a super-chug with that? VERONICA No, but if you're nice, I'll let you buy me a slushie. I see you know your convenience-speak pretty well. JD Yeah, well.. I've been moved around all my life. Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas.. Sherwood, Ohio. There's always been a Snappy Snack Shack. Any town, any time.. pop a ham-and-cheese in the microwave and feast on a turbo dog. Keeps me sane. VERONICA Really? That thing you pulled in the caf today was pretty severe. JD Yeah well, the extreme always seems to make an impression. Did you say a cherry or coke slushie? VERONICA I didn't.. cherry. Outside Snappy Snack Shack. VERONICA Great bike. JD Yeah, just a humble perk from my Dad's construction company. You've seen the commercial, right? "Bringing every State to a higher state". VERONICA Wait a minute. Jason Dean. Your pop's Big Bud Dean Construction? Must be rough moving place to place. JD Well everybody's life has got static. Is your life perfect? VERONICA I'm on my way to a party at Remington University. HEATHER C. beeps car horn impatiently. No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends. JD I.. I don't really like your friends either. VERONICA Well, it's just like they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit. JD Maybe it's time to take a vacation. At Remington University. DAVID and BRAD meet Heather C. and Veronica. DAVID Ladies, throw your coats on the floor. Ah, Veronica, this is Brad. BRAD Excellent! DAVID Did you girls bring your partying slippers, huh? HEATHER C. Let's party. DAVID (To Brad) She loves to party. Veronica's bedroom. VERONICA (V.O.) Dear Diary. I want to kill, and you have to believe it's for more than just selfish reasons, more than just a spoke in my menstrual cycle. You have to believe me. Remington corridor. BRAD Hey it's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask "What's your major?". I hate that. So, when you go to college, what subjects do you think you'll study? David's room. David and Heather C. are kissing. HEATHER C. Come on, David. Shouldn't we get back to the party? DAVID We will. It's just you're so hot tonight. I can't control myself. Heather C. goes down.. Veronica's bedroom. VERONICA (V.O.) Oh Christ, I can't explain it, but I'm allowed an understanding that my parents and these Remington University assholes have chosen to ignore. I understand that I must stop Heather. Brad's room. Veronica is playing with a match. She drops it into a mug which catches alight, and the mug into a rubbish bin, which also catches fire. Bathroom. Heather C. washes her mouth and spits at the mirror Brad's room. BRAD How's my little cheerleader, huh? Oh, I know everyone at your high school isn't so uptight. Come on.. VERONICA Come on, now look, I don't feel so good, okay? BRAD Hey, let's do it on the coats, it'll be excellent, huh? VERONICA (Stands) You know, I have a little prepared speech for my suitor when he wants more than I'm prepared to give him. Gee, Blank, I had a really nice - BRAD Save the speeches for Malcolm X. I just wanna get laid! VERONICA You don't deserve my fucking speech. Veronica's bedroom. VERONICA (V.O.) Betty Finn was a true friend, and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch-dogs and Diet Coke-heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the Wicked Witch of the West.. wait.. East.. West.. God, I sound like a fucking psycho! Remington corridor. HEATHER C. What's your damage? Brad says you're being a real kuse. VERONICA Heather, I feel really sick, like I'm gonna throw up, so can we please jam now? HEATHER C. No! Hell No! Veronica throws up. Veronica's bedroom. VERONICA (V.O.) Tomorrow, I'll be kissing her aerobicised ass, but tonight, let me dream of a world without Heather, a world where I am free. Outside Remington. HEATHER C. You stupid fuck! VERONICA You goddamn bitch! HEATHER C. You were nothing before you met me. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn. You were a bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl-Scout cookie. I got you into a Remington party. What's my thanks? It's on the hallway carpet. I got paid in puke. VERONICA Lick it up baby, Lick.. it.. up..! HEATHER C. Monday morning, you're history. I'll tell everyone about tonight. Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. No-one at Westerburg's gonna let you play their reindeer games. Veronica's bedroom. Veronica throws diary across room, as JD climbs up to window, startling her. JD Dreadful etiquette, I apologise. VERONICA It's okay. JD I saw the croquet set-up in the back. You up for a match? Veronica's yard. JD and VERONICA are naked, wrapped together in a blanket. JD Mmm.. Thank you, that was my.. first game of strip croquet. VERONICA Well, you're welcome. It's a lot more interesting than just flinging off your clothes and boning away on a neighbour's swing set. JD Mmm.. there's a lot to be said for throwing off your - oww! VERONICA What a night.. What a life.. They wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade because I was supposed to be this big genius.. JD Mmm.. VERONICA ..then we decided to chuck the idea, because I'd have trouble making friends, blah blah blah.. Now blah blah blah is all I do. I use my grand IQ to decide what colour gloss to wear, and how to hit three keggers before curfew. JD Mmm.. Heather Chandler is one bitch that deserves to die. VERONICA Killing her won't solve anything. I say we just grow up, be adults and die. But before that, I'd like to see Heather Chandler puke her guts out. Heather C.'s kitchen. Veronica and JD are looking around. VERONICA Trust me, she skips the Saturday morning trip to Grandma's, even when she's not hungover. JD We'll just concoct ourselves a little hangover cure that'll induce her to spew red, white and blue, then. VERONICA What about like milk and orange juice. What's the up-chuck factor on that? JD (Finds bottle of Hull Clean) I'm a no-rust-build-up man, myself. VERONICA Don't be a dick. That stuff'll kill her. JD 'eah... VERONICA I know, we can cook up some soup, and put it in a coke. It's.. it's pretty sick, eh? Now should it be chicken noodle or bean with bacon? JD pours Hull Clean into a glass. JD Put a lid on that stuff. I say we go with big blue here. VERONICA What are you talking about? She would never drink anything that looked like that, anyway. JD So we'll.. put it in this. (Putting it in a mug with lid) She won't be able to see what she's drinking. VERONICA It's only in a cup, jerk. (Takes down another mug) Okay, milk and orange juice. Mmm.. well maybe we could cough up a phlegm globber or something. JD Mmm.. They both start coughing and then in unison: JD VERONICA No? VERONICA Oh well, milk and orange juice will do it quite nicely. JD Mmm.. you chicken? VERONICA You're not funny. JD I'm sorry. JD kisses her, and she picks up mug full of Hull Clean. Ahh.. Veronica.. VERONICA What? JD Ahh.. never mind. I'll.. I'll carry the cup. Heather C.'s bedroom. VERONICA Morning Heather. HEATHER C. Veronica.. (to JD) Jesse James. Quelle surprise. Hear about Veronica's affection for regurgitation? VERONICA I think last night we both said a lot of stuff we didn't mean. HEATHER C. Did we? How the hell didcha get in here? JD Umm.. Veronica knew you'd have a hangover, so I whipped this up for you. It's a family recipe. HEATHER C. What did you do, put a phlegm globber in it or something? I'm not gonna drink that piss. JD I knew this stuff'd be too intense for her. HEATHER C. Intense. Grow up! You think I'll drink it just because you call me chicken? JD smiles wryly and nods. Just give me the cup, jerk. Heather C. drinks the contents, chokes.. Corn nuts! ..and falls head first through her glass table. VERONICA Oh my God. I can't believe it. I just killed my best friend. JD And your worst enemy. VERONICA Same difference. Ohh.. JD What're we gonna tell the cops? Fuck it if she can't take a joke, Searge? VERONICA Oh the cops. I can't believe this is my life. Oh my God. I'm gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford. JD Ohh.. alright.. I'm just a little freaked, here. At least you got whatcha wanted, y'know? VERONICA Got what I wanted? It is one thing to want somebody out of your life, it is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer. JD (sees cover story on Info magazine about teenage suicide.) Yeah... All right... We did a murder and that's a crime, but this were like a suicide thing, y'know? VERONICA Like a suicide thing? JD Yeah. I mean, you can do Heather's handwriting as well as your own, right? ..Right? VERONICA (Takes paper from drawer and starts composing aloud) You might think what I've done is shocking - JD Umm.. to me, though, suicide is the logical answer to the myriad of problems life has given me. VERONICA That's good, but Heather would never use the word "myriad". JD This is the last thing she'll ever write - she'll want to cash in on as many fifty cent words as possible. VERONICA Yeah, but she missed "myriad" on the vocab test two weeks ago. JD It proves my point more. The word is a badge for her failures at school. VERONICA Oh. Okay, you're probably right. Umm.. (composing) people think that just because you're beautiful and popular, life is easy and fun. No-one understood, I had feelings too. JD I die knowing no-one knew the real me. VERONICA That's good. Have you done this before? Westerburg conference room. PRINCIPAL GOWAN is talking to the teachers PAUL HYDE and others, and the school hippie teacher, PAULINE FLEMING. GOWAN Any other principal'd take the same position. Keep things business as usual. HYDE Heather Chandler's not your every-day suicide. She was very popular. GOWAN Come on, Paul. If I let these kids out before lunch, the switchboard's light up like a Christmas tree. TEACHER I must say I was impressed to see that she made proper use of the word "myriad" in her suicide note. PAULINE I find it profoundly disturbing that we're told of the tragic destruction of youth, and all we can think to talk about is adequate mourning times and misused vocabulary words. GOWAN Christ. PAULINE We must revel in this revealing moment. Look, I suggest that we get everybody together, both students and teachers, in the cafeteria, and just.. talk, and.. feel, together. GOWAN Thank you, Miss Fleming, you call me when the shuttle lands. Now, is this Heather the cheerleader? HYDE That would be Heather McNamara. GOWAN Damn. I'd be willing to go half a day for a cheerleader. Girl's locker room. Heather M., Heather D., and Veronica are talking. Heather D. is almost inhaling some chicken. HEATHER M. God, it's unfair. It's just so unfair. We should get off a whole week, not just an hour. HEATHER D. Write the school board. VERONICA Watch it Heather, you might be digesting food there. HEATHER M. Yeah, where's your urge to purge? HEATHER D. Fuck it. HEATHER M. (Looking through Heather C.'s locker) Look.. Heather left behind one of her Swatches. She'd want you to have it, Veronica. She always said you couldn't accessorise for shit. TRACY Sorry to hear about your friend. Thought she was your usual airhead bitch. Guess I was wrong. We all were. HEATHER M. What a waste. HEATHER D. Oh, the humanity. Veronica gets under a shower, fully-clothed. HEATHER M. Veronica.. Veronica, what are you doing? Pauline Fleming's class. PAULINE I'm just so.. thrilled.. to finally have an example of the profound sensitivity of which a human animal is capable. That example is Heather Chandler. I have her note. Murmurs from class. Now, I'm going to pass this note around the class, so you can all feel its pathetic beauty for yourself. And while we do this, I think its a good opportunity to share the.. feelings that this suicide has spurred in all of us. Now, who would like to begin? TRACY I heard it was really gnarly. She sucked down a bowl of multi-purpose deodorising disinfectant, and then smash! PAULINE Uh, now, Tracey, let's not rehash the coroner's report. Let's talk emotions. PETER Um. Heather and I used to go out, and she said I was boring, but now I realise I really wasn't boring, it's just that she was dissatisfied with her life. PAULINE That's very good, Peter. Veronica bursts out laughing, then covers up by crying. NERD Are we going to be tested on this? JD's house. Veronica and JD are watching TV. Every channel they switch to seems to have something about Heather C. on. HEATHER D. (On TV) You know, we were the same size, so sometimes we could borrow each other's clothes, and mix it up. It was fun. PETER (On TV) I remember I won her a rhino at the 4H Club, for - VERONICA Oh you're an asshole. Mute him. JD changes the channel. HEATHER D. (On TV) You know, we liked the same kind of clothes - VERONICA Heather, how many networks did you run to? HEATHER D. (On TV) - we liked a lot of the same things. COURTNEY (On TV) It's not going to be the same here without her - VERONICA What're you talking about? You hated her, she hated you. COURTNEY (On TV) - every English class, I looked forward to seeing her - JD switches off TV. JD Heather Chandler's more popular than ever, now. VERONICA Scary stuff. JD's father, BIG BUD DEAN enters. JD Hey, son, I didn't hear you come in. BUD Hey, dad, how was work today? It was miserable. Some damn tribe of withered old bitches doesn't want us to terminate that fleabag hotel. Huh. All because Glenn Miller and his band once took a shit there. Just like Kansas. Remember fucking Kansas? JD Yeah, that was the one with the wheat, right? BUD 'eah.. "Save The Memorial Oak Tree" Society. Showed those fucks. JD Thirty of those 4th of July fireworks attached to the trunk. Arraigned, but acquitted. BUD Gosh, pop, I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend. JD Veronica, this is my Dad. Dad - Veronica. Son, why don't you ask your little friend to stay for dinner? VERONICA I can't, my Mom's making my favourite meal tonight, Spaghetti.. lots of oregano. JD How nice. Last time I saw my Mom, she was waving from a library window in Texas. Right Dad? BUD Right.. son. VERONICA Right. Veronica's house. Veronica is sitting with her parents. This scene is almost exactly the same as the first time we meet her parents. Veronica's Dad is smoking a cigar. VERONICA'S DAD Hey, take a break Veronica. Sit down. So, what was the first day after Heather's suicide like? VERONICA I d'know. It was okay, I guess. VERONICA'S MOM Terrible thing. So.. we get to meet this dark horse prom contender? VERONICA Maybe. VERONICA'S DAD Goddamn will somebody tell me why I smoke these damn things? VERONICA 'Cos you're an idiot. VERONICA'S DAD Oh yeah, that's it. VERONICA'S MOM You two. VERONICA Great pate, but I gotta motor if I want to be ready for that funeral. Church. The sermon is being said by FATHER RIPPER. FATHER RIPPER I blame not Heather, but rather a society that tells its youth that the answers can be found in the MTV video games. We must pray that the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems. It's Jesus Christ, and he's in the book. ALL Amen. Heather C.'s friends pray silently beside her open casket, one by one. HEATHER M. Oh God, this is a tragic thing, and sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it and stuff. Please send Heather to Heaven and all that. PETER Dear God, please make sure this never happens to me, cos I don't think I can handle suicide. Plus, early acceptance into an Ivy League school and please let it be Harvard. Amen. RAM Jesus, God in Heaven, why didcha kill such hot snatch? Hey, it's a joke, man. Jeez, people are so serious. Hail Mary who aren't in Heaven, bless sinners - so we don't get caught. Another joke man. HEATHER D. I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times, and I felt bad every time I did it, but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah. VERONICA Hi, I'm sorry. Technically I did not kill Heather Chandler, but hey, who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my high school to be a nice place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy? Outside the church. Heather M. and Veronica are talking. HEATHER M. Veronica, what're you doing tonight? VERONICA I don't know, mourning, maybe watch some TV. Why? HEATHER M. Well, Ram asked me out tonight, but he wants to double with Kurt, and Kurt doesn't have a date. VERONICA Heather, I have something going with JD. HEATHER M. Veronica, put Billy the Kid on hold for tonight. I'm your best friend. At the same time Kurt and Ram are talking. KURT So, we on tonight, man, or what? RAM I don't know. Still got to talk to Heather, dude. Great funeral, huh? The school Geek and his FRIEND pass Kurt and Ram. KURT That pudwacker just stepped on my foot. RAM Let's kick his ass - KURT Cool off. We're seniors. RAM (to geek) You goddamn geek. GEEK Uh, well.. (Gives them the finger) Sit and spin. KURT Little prick. Ram and Kurt chase and catch the geek. Ram pins him down. KURT You piece of shit bag, you like to suck big dicks? GEEK Oww.. KURT Say I like to suck big dicks. GEEK'S FRIEND Leave him alone, Ram. GEEK Oww.. RAM Say it.. Say it. GEEK Okay, okay. You like to suck big dicks. RAM flattens him. Oh, oh, I like to suck big dicks. Mmmm.. Mmmmmm.. I can't get enough of 'em. Are you satisfied? Back to Heather M. and Veronica. HEATHER M. Don't worry, Ram's been so sweet lately, consoling me and stuff. It'll be really very. Promise. VERONICA Okay, just as long as it's not one of those nights when they get shit- faced and take us to a pasture to tip cows. In a pasture somewhere at night. Heather M. and Veronica look totally unimpressed and out of place all dressed up. Kurt and Ram, giggling drunkenly, are sneaking up on a sleeping cow. KURT Is he sleeping, dude? RAM I think so, man. Come here.. KURT Shit.. RAM Cow-tipping's the fuckin' greatest. Punch it in! KURT Owww.. okay on the count of three, guy. In unison. One, two, three. Cow lands in mud, coverinng Veronica and Heather M. Kurt and Ram laugh hysterically. Ram jumps on Heather M. Ram and Heather in a pasture the B.G. are doing the Wild Monkey Dance. Kurt is doing his best to sweet-talk Veronica. KURT When I get that feeling, I need sexual healing. VERONICA Yeah, right, asshole. Kurt keels over. JD (Coming down the hill) What is this shit? VERONICA Doing a favour for Heather. Double date. I tried to tell you at the funeral, but you rode off. JD Another fuckin' Heather. Sorry, I'm feeling a little superior tonight. Seven schools in seven states, and the only thing different is my locker combination. Our love is God. Let's go get a slushie. School paper editing room. DENNIS and Peter are discussing the paper. DENNIS I'm not belittling the foodless fund, Peter, it's just that we're talking teenage suicide here. Ask Alison: The number one song on America today is "Teenage suicide, don't do it" by Big Fun. Jesus man, Westerburg finally got one of these things, and I'm not gonna blow it! PETER Great. So Heather gets the front page, and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupons. Veronica walks in. VERONICA Hi guys. Came to check up on this weeks lunch time poll topic. DENNIS Don't worry about it Veronica. Sit down. The funeral yesterday must really have been rough, eh? VERONICA Oh, yeah.... DENNIS We were wondering if you had any poems.. artwork that Heather did that we can put in the Heather Chandler Yearbook Spring. VERONICA The what? DENNIS Come here, take a look. A two page layout, with her suicide note right up here in the corner. It's more tasteful than it sounds. VERONICA I don't know Dennis, this stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth. COURTNEY Like last night, Veronica? Courtney looks at a friend and giggles. VERONICA Excuse me? I don't get it. COURTNEY What you did last night. Kurt told us of your little date. VERONICA Yeah, and? I left him drunk and flailing in cow shit. COURTNEY Well, I don't know, he was really detailed... PETER Shut up, Courtney. VERONICA No, don't shut up, I'd like to know exactly what I did. PETER Come on, Veronica. I'll show you the lunch time poll topic. Outside the room. VERONICA What the fuck? PETER OK, I rarely listen to neanderthals like Kurt Kelly, but he said that he and Ram had a nice little sword fight in your mouth last night. You know what I mean? VERONICA No! That son-of-a-bitch! Veronica's bedroom. Veronica sitting in her bed, on the phone. VERONICA Hi Kurt. Hi, this is Veronica Sawyer. Yeah, I didn't expect to be calling either, I just guess my emotions took over... I was wondering if you wanted all those things you've been saying to really happen? It's always been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once. (pause) Sure, you can write to Penthouse Forum. Throws a pillow at JD, who is sitting on her bed, laughing. Yes, in the woods behind the school. At dawn. Don't forget Ram! Kurt's house. Kurt hangs up the phone, looking confused. Veronica's bedroom. VERONICA I don't get the point of me writing a suicide note when we'll just going to be shooting them with blanks. JD We're not going to be using blanks, this time. VERONICA You can't be serious. JD I am. VERONICA Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over. JD Wait a second, wait a second. Do you take German? VERONICA French. JD Alright, these are Ich Luge bullets. My grandfather snared a shitload of them back in WW II. They're like tranquillisers, only they break the surface of the skin, enough to cause a little blood, but no real damage. VERONICA So it looks like the person has been shot and killed, and really they're just laying there unconsious and bleeding? JD Right. We shoot Kurt and Ram, make it look like they shot each other. By the time they regain consciousness they will be the laughing stock of the whole school. The note's the punchline, how did that turn out? VERONICA First tell me the similarity is not incredible. JD Incredible similarity... Veronica grins. VERONICA OK. (reading the note) Ram and I died the day we realised we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and ununderstanding world. The joy we shared in each others arms was greater than any touch down, yet we were forced to live the lives of sexist, beer guzzling jock assholes. JD It's perfect. Let's take a look at some the homosexual artefacts I dug up to plant at the scene. Alright. An issue of Stud Puppie. VERONICA Great. JD Candy dish. Joan Crawford postcard. Let's see... Some mascara. Alright. Here's the one perfecto thing I picked up. Mineral water. VERONICA Oh, come on, a lot of people drink mineral water. It's come a long way. JD Yes, but this is Ohio. I mean, if you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress. VERONICA Oh, you're so smart. Veronica rises from the bed, and they kiss. In the woods. Veronica is waiting. Kurt and Ram approach. KURT Hi Veronica! VERONICA Hi guys! I'm glad you could make it. RAM So, should I just whoop it out, or? VERONICA Well, I made a circle on each side of the clearing... Ram you come over here. Kurt... When you get to the circle, strip! RAM What about you? VERONICA I was kind of hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport? RAM Good idea. The guys strip. VERONICA OK, count of three guys? One... Two... JD jumps out from behind a tree, and takes out his gun. JD Three! JD shoots Ram. Veronica shoots at Kurt, but misses. KURT Wow! Kurt runs away. JD Did you miss him completely? VERONICA Yes, but don't worry. It was worth it, just to see the look on him! JD Don't move, I'll get him back. JD runs after Kurt. Veronica realises that Ram is dead. Kurt comes back to the clearing. JD Now! Veronica shoots Kurt. In a police car parked nearby. POLICE OFFICER #1 Hey, I heard it that time! POLICE OFFICER #2 What? POLICE OFFICER #1 Another gun shot, from the woods. POLICE OFFICER #2 Shit! Let's roll! Back to Veronica and JD. Veronica is looking closely at Kurt. JD is planting the homosexual artefacts around the scene. VERONICA Kurt doesn't look to good. JD Just remember he's left handed. They hear something, and run away. The two policeman arrive in the clearing. POLICE OFFICER #2 Mother of shit! POLICE OFFICER #1 Call in. Hey, I heard something out there, I'm checking it out. Police officer #1 runs off. POLICE OFFICER #2 (talking into radio) Yeah, this is officer McCord. I've got two bodies in the woods behind Westerburg High. Meanwhile JD and Veronica are being chased by the cop. They get to the car, JD quickly takes off Veronica's clothes and they start to make out. Police officer #1 gets to the car. POLICE OFFICER #2 (from radio) Do you hear me? What's going down? POLICE OFFICER #1 (into radio) Yeah, yeah. I think what I heard back there was a bunny rabbit. All I got here is two kids making out in a station wagon. Should I pry them apart? POLICE OFFICER #2 (from radio) No, no, no. Forget it, I've got all the answers here. (pause) Are they naked? Back at the clearing the police officers are examining the scene. POLICE OFFICER #1 So, what's the deal? POLICE OFFICER #2 Suicide. Double suicide. They shot each other. POLICE OFFICER #1 Hey, that's Kurt Kelly! POLICE OFFICER #2 And the line backer Ram Sweeney. POLICE OFFICER #1 My god, suicide. Why? POLICE OFFICER #2 Does this answer your question? Takes out the mineral water from a bag. POLICE OFFICER #1 Oh man, they were fags! POLICE OFFICER #2 Listen up. "We realised we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and ununderstanding world." POLICE OFFICER #1 Jesus H Christ! POLICE OFFICER #2 The quarter back, buggering the line backer. What a waste! POLICE OFFICER #1 Oh, the humanity! On the parking lot, in the car. Veronica gets a cigarette from JD. VERONICA We killed them, didn't we? JD Of course! Veronica takes the lighter and pushes it into her hand. She screams. JD takes it away, and lights his cigarette from her hand. She screams more. VERONICA Ich Luge bullets! I'm such an idiot! JD Look. You believed it, because you wanted to believe it. Your true feelings were to gross and icky for you to face. VERONICA I did not want them dead! JD You did too! VERONICA I did not! JD Did too! VERONICA I did not! (several times...) Shut up! I did not want them to... JD Come on! You did. You're just not... Veronica starts singing, holding her hands to her ears. Outside in the carpark. Heather D. and Heather M. are watching Veronica and JD arguing in the car. HEATHER D. Young love... STUDENT Did you hear? School's cancelled today, because Kurt and Ram killed themselves in a repressed homosexual suicide pact. HEATHER D. No way! Heather M. looks strangely at her. Back to the car. VERONICA God! JD Football season is over, Veronica. Kurt and Ram had nothing to offer this school but date rapes and AIDS jokes. VERONICA Sure... (looking at her burnt hand) Could we make an ice run before the funeral? In church. Kurt and Ram are lying in their open casket both wearing football helmets and holding footballs in their dead arms. KURT'S DAD is standing next to his son's casket, talking. KURT'S DAD If there's any way you can hear me, Kurt buddy... I don't care that you really were some pansy... You're my own flesh and blood, and you made me proud. (to mourners) My son's a homosexual, and I love him! I love my dead gay son! JD (to Veronica) How do you think he'd react to a son that had a limp wrist with a pulse? Veronica laughs, but stops when she sees Kurt's (or Ram's) sister crying. Veronica's bedroom. Veronica is alone. VERONICA Dear diary. My teen angst bullshit has a body count. The most popular people in school are dead. Everybody is sad, but it's a weird kind of sad. Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain. I don't know what it's getting me, but I've got no control over myself when I'm with JD. Are we going to prom or to hell? Westerburg conference room. PAULINE Now. It seems we were in a similar position on Monday, when I thoughtfully suggested we'd get everybody together for an unadulterated emotional outpour. But no. You took this as an opportunity to play yet another round of Lets Laugh At The Hippie. PAUL HYDE Pauline, ... PRINCIPAL GOWAN Shut up, Paul! I've seen a lot of bullshit. Angel Dust, switchblades, sexually perverted photography exhibits involving tennis rackets... but this suicide thing... I guess that's more on Pauline's wavelength. We're just gonna write off today, and on Friday Pauline can hold her little "love-in", or whatever. In the caf. PAULINE (shouts) Attention! GEEK spits out his milk. PAULINE May I have your attention? Veronica walks in through the door, wearing black glasses. PAULINE This school has been torn apart by tragedies. I'm here to fuse it back again, in togetherness. I want everybody to clap hands. Veronica takes of her glasses, and looks at Pauline as if she was insane. PAULINE We need to connect this cafeteria into one mighty circuit! Look! Here's the TV crew! Clap your hands! With the TV crew in the room, the students start going apeshit. Pauline starts walking around in the caf, making everybody hold hands. VERONICA (to Heather D.) Look's like Ms Phlegm's on another one of her crusades. Usual success, of course. TV REPORTER Hi, what's your name? HEATHER D. (smiling) Hi, I'm Heather Duke. Martha Dunstock crawls down under the table. JD walks up to Veronica, and holds her from behind. JD Is this as good for you as it is for me? JD takes a seat at Martha's table, and Martha reappears from under the table and returns to her chair. JD Greetings and salutations! PETER (to Pauline) I need a copy of all this by Monday for my Princeton application. Veronica leaves. At JD's house. Veronica and JD are sitting on the couch. VERONICA That thing this afternoon! I'm so angry! It was chaos, fucking chaos. JD What are you talking about? I mean, today was great! Chaos is great! Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling. Veronica sighs. Face it, our way is the way. I mean, we scare people into not being assholes! VERONICA Our way is not `our' way! JD Tell that to the judge, alright. Tell it to Kurt Kelly! JD pretends he's been shot. `Oh, God, Veronica!' Veronica throws the TV remote at JD. VERONICA I'm telling it to you! God, you can be so immature! JD Hey, you kids are making too much damn noise! Bud Dean enters with a video tape in his hand, smiling. BUD We beat the bitches. VERONICA Beautiful. The Beaver is home. BUD The judge told them to slurp shit and die. The TV showing a large house. I put a Norwegian in the boiler room. Masterful! The house falls apart. And then, when that blew... it set off a pack of thermals I stuck upstairs. BUD laughs. Some days it's great to be alive. BUD leaves. VERONICA Do you like your father? JD I've never given the matter much thought. I liked my mother. They said her death was an accident, but she knew what she was doing. She walked into the building two minutes before my dad blew the place up. She waved at me, and then... Boom. RADIO DJ (on the radio) If I'm getting one more request for that Big Fun song, I am gonna commit suicide! JD Hey, they're playing our song! RADIO DJ (radio) Here it is: Teenage Suicide, don't do it. The song plays for a while, then JD shoots the radio. VERONICA That's it! We're breaking up! Veronica tries to leave, but JD throws her back on the couch. JD What? You can't bring them back, you must know that. VERONICA I am not trying to bring anybody back, except maybe myself. JD kisses Veronica, but she jumps away. VERONICA And to think there was a time when I actually thought you were cool! Man, if you can't deal with me now, then just stay home and shoot your TV. Blow up a couple of toasters or something. Just don't come to school, and don't mess with me! Veronica leaves. JD You'll be back! In the chemistry lab. JD walks in and gives Heather D. a photo. HEATHER D. Me and Martha Dumptruck? Where did you get this? JD Ah, I just had the nicest little chat with Ms Dumptruck. We got along famously. Kind of scary though that everybody has got a little story to tell. Do you wanna see the canoeing shots? HEATHER D. What is this? Blackmail? I'll give you a weeks lunch money. JD I don't want your money. I want your strength. Westerburg doesn't need mushy togetherness, it needs a strong leader. Heather Chandler was that leader, but... HEATHER D. But she couldn't handle it. JD I think you can. Moby Dick is dunked. The white whale drank some bad plankton and splashed through a coffee table. Now it's your turn to take the helm. HEATHER D. What about the photographs? JD Don't worry. I'll ask you to do me a favour, it'll be one you'll enjoy. And you'll get the negatives and everything back then. But in the mean time... strength. Here's a little gift. JD hands over Heather C's red scrunchee. Have a good day, Heather. Westerburg hallway. Veronica opens Heather C.'s locker, and sees the note "I shop, therefore I am." Heather D. walks up and puts her hands on Veronica's eyes. HEATHER D. Guess who? VERONICA Heather? Heather D. is wearing Heather C.'s red scrunchee. Veronica sees this and doesn't look impressed. Heather D. takes a few things from the locker door. Veronica's bedroom. Veronica is making a phone call. BETTY FINN (on the phone) Hello? VERONICA Hello Betty? This is Veronica. Outside Veronica's house. Veronica and Betty Finn are playing croquet. BETTY I don't believe it, I'm winning! VERONICA Don't you start getting cocky on me now, girl. BETTY I've really missed you. I know I'm not as exciting as your other friends. VERONICA That is bullshit. Shoot. BETTY Do you know I'm still a virgin? OK, I French kissed Al Springler once. Total disaster! VERONICA Shoot the ball! You know Betty, your day dreams are much better than my reality, believe me... But know, prepare to die. BETTY Ronnie! Veronica shoots, hits Betty's ball. Veronica is just about to take two free shots when: BETTY You're not gonna go for just those two shots? Go ahead, knock me out. It's the only way to win. VERONICA It's not my style. BETTY Nice guys finish last. I should know. Veronica knocks Betty's ball out. Heather D. and Heather M. enter. HEATHER D. Bravo. Brav-o! BETTY I gotta go home, OK? VERONICA Okay. BETTY Thanks. VERONICA Bye, Betty. HEATHER D. Betty, leaving so soon? (to Veronica and Heather M.) I'm red. Westerburg Gym. Martha, wearing a Big Fun t-shirt sits in the stands and spills a coke all over herself. Veronica's house. Veronica, Veronica's Mom and Veronica's Dad are watching television. The vision is of the day in the caf. Pauline Flemming talks over the top. PAULINE (on TV) The Westerburg suicides were tough on all of us. But we shared the pain of losing three very popular students. I came into the cafeteria and asked them to hold hands... VERONICA'S DAD Isn't that the flake we met at the Open House? PAULINE ... in a burst of cleansing syncronicity, TV cameras happened upon the scene. VERONICA Cleansing syncronicity? Outpouring of emotions? VERONICA'S DAD There's Heather! VERONICA'S MOM And there's Heather! Where are you, Veronica? PAULINE (on TV) Before a teenager decides to kill himself, there are a few things he needs to know. After all, this is a decision that effects all of us. And there's only one chance to get it right. Somewhere beside a busy road. Martha walks into the traffic, with a note on her t-shirt. Back to Veronica's house. Veronica switches off the TV. VERONICA'S MOM Turn that back on! VERONICA Can't you see these programs are eating suicide with a spoon? They make it sound like it's a cool thing to do! VERONICA'S MOM Are you telling me this is not a time for troubled youth? Stand up straight. VERONICA All we want is to be treated like human beings. Not experimented on like guinea pigs, or patronised like bunny rabbits. VERONICA'S DAD I don't patronise bunny rabbits! VERONICA'S MOM Treated like human beings? Is that what you said, little Ms. Voice-of-a- Generation? How do you think adults act with other adults? Do you think it's just like a game of doubles tennis? When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings, it's usually because they are treated like human beings. VERONICA I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being. VERONICA'S MOM You'll live... Want some pate? Heather D. enters. HEATHER D. Hello everybody, the door was open. Veronica, have you heard? We were doing Chinese at the food fair when it comes over the phone that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She belly flopped in front of a car, wearing a suicide note. VERONICA Is she dead? HEATHER D. No, that's the punchline. She's alive, and in stabile condition. Just another example of a geek trying to imitate the popular people at school, failing miserably. Is that pate? Veronica hits her on the face. Veronica's room. Veronica and Heather D. are talking. VERONICA I said I was sorry! HEATHER D. You were out of control! I mean, Heather and Kurt were a shock, but Martha Dumptruck? Get crucial. She has dialled the suicide hotline since she was in diapers. VERONICA You're not funny. HEATHER D. Look. Martha couldn't take the heat, so she got out of the kitchen. Just think what a better place this world would be if every moron followed her cue. VERONICA Shut up. Hot Probs is on. HEATHER D. Oh, shit, yeah. CALLER (on radio) It's like Skip is OK, but still, sometimes I feel like I'm on that island... And Gilligan can just be so stupid sometimes. HOT PROBS DJ (on radio) Well, dude, just remember: if it wasn't for the fearless crew, the minnow would be lost, and you are too. Next! HEATHER D. That sounded like a big one. 2ND DJ (on radio) You've got the dog catcher! HEATHER M. (on radio) My name is Heather. No, it's not Heather. No, it's Madonna. Veronica and Heather D. look at each other, shocked Jeez, no, not that. HOT PROBS DJ Hey babe, I need a name. Heather M. looks at her bird. HEATHER M. My name is Tweety. HOT PROBS DJ Tweety? Oh, tweet! HEATHER M. God has cursed me, I think. The last guy I had sex with, killed himself the next day. I'm failing math, my whole life is a mess. I was supposed to be captain of the cheerleading team... VERONICA She knows we listen to this show... HEATHER D. (smiling) Holy shit! We'll crucify her! HEATHER M. My parents are divorced and stuff... School classroom. "Poor little Heather" is written on the black board. Heather D. has a smug look on her face. Veronica is writing.. VERONICA (V.O.) Heather told everyone about Heather. Yes, dear diary. I cut off Heather Chandler's head, and Heather Duke's head has sprung right back in its place, like some mythological thing my eighth grade boyfriend would have known about. Heather's even doing the old note trick. I've seen JD's way. I've seen Pauline Fleming's way, and nothing has changed. I guess that's Heather's way. And Jesus, what about JD? I can't get him out of my head! Heather M. leaves. Wait. Where's Heather going? GRUFF TEACHER Where's Heather going? HEATHER D. She's going to cry! The whole class laughs. School bathroom. Heather C. is going to work on a pill bottle cap with her teeth. She can't open it. HEATHER C. Fucking child protected caps! Classroom. Veronica leaves. GRUFF TEACHER Where's she going? Bathroom. Heather C. has the bottle open and has a mouthful of sleeping pills. Veronica enters. VERONICA Heather! Veronica throws Heather M. to the wall. HEATHER M. What are you trying to do? Kill me? VERONICA What are you trying to do? Sleep? HEATHER M. Suicide is a private thing. VERONICA Heather, you're throwing your life away to become a statistic in the U.S. fucking A. Today. That's about the least private thing I can think of. HEATHER M. What about Heather and Kurt and Ram? VERONICA If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you? HEATHER M. Probably. VERONICA If you're happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host. HEATHER M. What do you say we knock off early and buy some shoes or something lame like that? VERONICA OK. Chemistry lab, Heather D. is holding the photos which are burning. JD is with her. JD So it has come to this... Heather Chandler did polls, I want you to do a petition. As a favour. As THE favour. You've heard of the group Big Fun, right? HEATHER D. That's right. Teenage suicide, don't do it. JD Right. Some teeny-bopper rag say they want to play a prom. Could be Westerburg's if we get everybody's John Hancock. HEATHER D. I'll get right on, coach. She gives him her copy of "Moby Dick." A little gift for you, I won't be needing it. Heather D. walks around school, and makes everybody sign the petition. Heather D. sits in a window in the sunlight. VERONICA Heather? HEATHER D. Veronica. Color me stoked, girl. I've gotten everybody to sign this petition. Even those who think Big Fun are tuneless Euro fags. People love me! You know, you haven't signed yet. VERONICA People love you, but I know you. Jennifer Forbes said the petition she signed was to put a hot tub in the cafeteria, and Doug Hilton said... HEATHER D. Some people need different kinds of convincing than others. Just sign the petition, OK? VERONICA Don't talk to me like that, OK? HEATHER D. Look, it was JD's idea. He made out the signature sheets and everything, so why don't you just sign it! VERONICA No. HEATHER D. Jealous much? Veronica tries to hit Heather D., but fails] VERONICA Heather, why can't you just be a friend? Why are you such a mega bitch? HEATHER D. Because I can be. Veronica, why are you pulling my dick? Do you think... I mean, do you really think if Betty Finn's fairy godmother made her cool, she'd still hang out with her dweebette friends? No way, Veronica. Heather D. leaves, and JD enters. JD Want to go out tonight? Catch a movie, you know, some miniature golf? VERONICA I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open, making it look like a suicide. JD Now you're talking! I could be up for that. I've already started underlining meaningful passages in her copy of "Moby Dick." I knew you'd be back... I knew it. I was positive, I was sure. Veronica hits JD. VERONICA It's over JD, over. Grow up! JD I don't get it! You were wrong, and I was right! Strength, damn it! Veronica leaves. Come on, come back! Veronica's house. Veronica comes home, and sees her parents sitting in the sofa, waiting for her. VERONICA Yes? VERONICA'S MOM Your friend Jason Dean stopped by, he seemed very concerned about you. He said you might try to kill yourself. VERONICA'S DAD You've been depressed lately. Oh, he left this for you. Veronica opens the letter. It says "recognise the handwriting?" VERONICA Oh my God. VERONICA'S MOM He said we should keep you away from sharp objects, closed garage Veronica leaves to her bedroom. doors, chemicals, prescription drugs... Veronica's bedroom. A doll with a t-shirt with "Big Fun" is hanging from Veronica's ceiling. Veronica lies down on her bed. Suddenly JD sits by her bed. JD (reading from Heather D.'s copy of "Moby Dick") "... and even for hate, thou can't but kill, and all are killed". I like it. It's got that `what a cruel world, so lets toss ourselves in the abyss' type of ambience. Come on! It's Heathers copy of Moby Dick. Why don't you give it a try. Underline something. VERONICA Get off of my bed, you fucking psycho! Do you think you're a rebel? Do you actually think you're a rebel? You're not a rebel, you're a fucking psychotic! JD You say tomato, I say tomato... Hold it! "Eskimo!" It's one word... I love it! I usually go for the whole sentence myself, but this is perfecto! Eskimo, you know... It's so mysterious. Es-ki- mo. JD underlines the word. Heather D.'s house. Veronica and JD are in the kitchen. JD gets a knife out of the dishwasher. JD Come on! VERONICA JD, you're not listening to me! JD Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag! VERONICA The knife is filthy! JD What do you think I'm gonna do with it? Take out her tonsils? VERONICA Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she was going to slip her wrists, the knife would be spotless. JD Here! Now can you see your fucking reflection in the thing? Veronica sees her reflection in the knife, looking like Heather D. VERONICA Tomorrow someone else is just going to move into her place. That person could be me.. Ha! There's only one of us who knows how to do Heather's handwriting! And if you think I'm gonna write another suicide note you're wrong! JD You don't get it, do you? Society nods its head on any horror the American teenager can think of, to bring upon herself. Nobody's gonna care about exact handwriting! Look! JD takes Veronica's hand, and writes "LIFE SUCKS" on a piece of paper. JD Life sucks! It's perfecto. I've got a meaningful marked-up Moby Dick, what else does a suicide need? Now, if you'll excuse me.. JD runs into Heather D.'s room, and closes the door. VERONICA No! Open the door! Church. Father Ripper, wearing very weird clothes is speaking. He holds in his hand Heather D.'s copy of "Moby Dick." FATHER RIPPER Eskimo! Heather Duke underlined a lot of things in this copy of Moby Dick, but I believe the word "Eskimo" underlined all by itself, is the key to understanding Heathers pain. On the surface, Heather Duke was the vivacious young lady we all knew her to be, but her soul was in Antarctica! Freezing with the knowledge of the way fellow teenagers can be cruel, the way that parents can be unresponsive. And as she writes so eloquently in her suicide note, the way that life can suck! We'll all miss Sherwood's little eskimo. Lets just hope she's rubbing noses with Jesus! Veronica is at the back of the Church standing next to the Holy Water trough. Heather C. stands next to her. HEATHER C. Is this turning out weak, or what? It was at least 70 more people at my funeral. VERONICA Heather? HEATHER C. God, Veronica. My afterlife is so boring. If I have to sing Kumbaya one more time... VERONICA What are you doing here? HEATHER C. I made your favourite. Heather C. opens the trough. It is full of spaghetti. Spaghetti. Lots of oregano. Dinner! Veronica's bedroom. Veronica wakes up. VERONICA'S MOM Veronica! Dinner! VERONICA Dear Diary, last entry. No one can stop JD. Not the FBI, the CIA, or the PTA. He once told me the extreme always makes an impression. Well, now it's my turn. Lets see how this son of a bitch reacts to a suicide he didn't perform himself! JD climbs up to Veronica's window, and finds her hanging by a bed sheet from the roof. JD Can't believe you did it! I was teasing. I loved you! Sure, I was coming up here to kill you... First I was gonna try and get you back with my amazing petition. It's a shame you can't see what our fellow students really signed. Listen. "We, students at Westerburg High, will die. Today. Our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest to a society that degrades us. Fuck you all!" It's not very subtle, but neither is blowing up a whole school, now is it? Talk about your suicide pacts, eh? When our school blows up tomorrow, it's gonna be the kind of thing to affect a whole generation! It'll be the Woodstock of the eighties! Damn it, Veronica! We could have toasted some marshmallows together! The dining room. Veronica's Mom and Dad are waiting for Veronica. HEATHER'S MOM What does she want, a written invitation? Dinner! Bedroom. JD hears Veronica's Mom approaching. JD Shit. JD leaves and Veronica's Mom enters, and sees Veronica. VERONICA'S MOM Veronica! I... Oh... I should have let you take that job at the mall. It was just that... I was afraid you coming home late at night, and I... Veronica raises her head, unties the sheet from around her wait and jumps down onto the bed. VERONICA Hey Mom! Why so tensed? JD's room. JD is putting together a big bunch of bombs with timing devices. BUD knocks on the door. BUD Hey pap, I need some help with my homework! JD Not right now tiger, I'm a little busy. School. Veronica walks through the crowded hallway and runs into Pauline. PAULINE Veronica! JD told me you committed suicide last night! VERONICA Where is he? Where is JD? PAULINE We have to talk. Whether to kill himself or not is the most important decisions a teenager can make. VERONICA Get a job! Veronica sees JD, and hides. JD goes to the bathroom, and pulls out a bomb. Veronica walks through the empty corridors, looking for JD. JD puts about five bombs in the gym under the stands, and then goes down to the boiler room. The bell rings and suddenly the corridor around Veronica is full of people. VERONICA Rodney, where's everybody going? RODNEY It's Friday. VERONICA Shit, another pep rally. RODNEY These things can get pretty artificial, but at least you get out of class. VERONICA Rodney, what's underneath the gym? RODNEY The boiler room... The boiler room. JD is has a bomb in his hand. VERONICA May I see your hall pass? Veronica has a JD's gun in her hand. JD I knew that loose was too noose. I mean, noose too loose. Damn you! VERONICA Like father, like son. A serious-as- fuck bomb in the boiler room to set off a pack of thermals upstairs. OK. Lets start by putting the bomb down on the ground. JD drops the bomb. I knew that! I knew that... OK, put your hands on your head. JD You didn't say "Simon says". JD hits Veronica and she falls to the ground unconscious. He takes the bomb and the gun and gets back to work. In the gym. The stands are completely packed. They're all yelling stomping their feet. PRINCIPAL GOWAN W-E-S! ALL W-E-S! GOWAN T-E-R! ALL T-E-R! GOWAN B-U-R! ALL B-U-R! GOWAN G! ALL G! GOWAN What does it spell? The boiler room. Veronica wakes up, takes a fire extinguisher, and hits JD. The gym. Everybody in the gym is screaming, and clapping their hands. Below the stands, a few feet away from one of JD's bombs, Tracy lights a joint, totally oblivious to what's just next to her. The boiler room. Veronica and JD fight, then JD tries to kiss her. Veronica picks up the gun. JD runs away knocking over some large cans, and Veronica slowly follows him, the gun in her hand. Veronica finds him, and is standing right next to the bomb. There are wires coming out of the top of the bomb and three red buttons at the front below a small LCD screen counting down the seconds. There isn't much time left. JD Do you think that just because you started this thing you can end it? VERONICA I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you, I swear to God! How do I turn off the goddamn bomb, asshole? JD Fuck you! JD gives Veronica the finger, and she shoots it off. Blood flows freely as he grabs his hand. JD Shit! VERONICA It's all over JD, help me stop it! JD You want a clean slate as much as I do. Alright, so maybe I am killing everyone in the school, because nobody loves me! Lets face it, alright! The only place where different social types genuinely can get along with each other is in heaven. VERONICA Which button do I press to turn it off? JD Try the red one, alright? Seriously, people are gonna look at the ashes of Westerburg, and say: There is a school that self destructed not because society didn't care, but because the school was society. Pretty deep, eh? VERONICA Which red button? JD Press the one in the middle to turn it off... if that's what you really want. VERONICA Do you know what I'd love, babe? JD What? Veronica shoots JD. JD pulls out a knife and sticks it in the top of the bomb, which stops the counter with only a few seconds left. VERONICA Cool guys like you out of my life. Veronica comes out of the boiler room seeing all the people in the gym, and smiles. Veronica then leaves the school, and JD follows soon after. He looks real bad. JD I'm impressed. You really fucked me up pretty bad, Veronica. You.. You've got power... Power I didn't think you had. JD shows a bomb on his stomach. The slate is clean. JD starts the timer on the bomb, and walks away. Pretend I did blow up the school. All the schools. Now that you're dead, what are you gonna do with your life? Veronica takes out a cigarette and puts it in her mouth. JD closes his eyes and puts is arms out sideways, a la Jesus on the cross. The bomb stops counting, but he hits the bomb and it starts again. The bomb goes off. Veronica is left by herself on the front steps, almost completely black with soot. The steps are even smoking. Her cigarette is now lit. The people in the gym hear the bomb, and run out. Veronica walks back inside down the corridor. HEATHER D. Veronica? You look like hell! VERONICA Yeah? I just got back. VS takes Heather D.'s scrunchee. HEATHER D. Veronica, what are you doing? VERONICA Heather my love, there's a new sheriff in town. Veronica kisses Heather D. on the cheek, leaving a big black mark. Further down the hallway is Martha Dunstock, in a wheelchair. VERONICA Hey, Martha! My date for the prom kind of flaked out on me... I was wondering, if you aren't doing anything that night, maybe we could rent some new releases? Pop some popcorn? MARTHA I'd like that. VERONICA Yeah, so would I. ==================== THE END ====================